Long Gangly Arms

I have these
Long gangly arms
That just don’t know how to hug.
They’re made to keep people 
At least an arm’s length away.
I’ve been told I suck at hugging,
But the truth is I just don’t know
How to hug people I don’t like.
And boy are there a lot of people
I don’t care for!
How do I give someone who repeatedly
Hurt my loved ones
The same kind of hug I would give my loved ones?
I reserve the great big bear hugs
That show I care, and mean it,
For those that need it.
No, I will not give abusers my best hugs,
My best hugs are reserved for my best friends:
People who will appreciate awkward hugs
From a skinny girl with long gangly arms
Because they know what it’s like
To feel like you need to force showing affection
To those who don’t deserve it.

Slave

Nothing but a slave
To the chemicals.
Depakote, Zyprexa, Invega
My personal cocktail.
So tired,
But I can’t sleep;
So hungry
But I can’t eat.
Without them though
I’m crying on the bathroom floor.
Nothing but a slave
To the chemicals.
Saying hello to my buddy–
Leo the Leprechaun
Living in the 4th dimension.
Nothing but a slave
To the chemicals.
Neurotransmitters on the fritz.
Block the dopamine.
Flood my brain.
Nothing but a slave
To the chemicals.

Lightning

Lightning bolts whiz across the sky
Like they’re trying to mirror my thoughts.
Thunder roars equally as loud
As my roar,
A roar I am using far too frequently.
Here I am again,
Swimming in my head again.
It was fun at first, 
And I still don’t want to stop,
But now I’m getting scared.
What if it’s not that I don’t want to stop,
But that I can’t stop?
The temperature of my soul burns,
As though it was just struck
By that lightning bolt
Whizzing across the sky
Because my head was just struck
By all these ecstatic frightening thoughts
Whizzing through my neurons.

Inhale

Inhale lightning
Exhale thunder
Fall steadily
The infinite descent

The vortex is forming
The storm is here
Feel the updraft
Take advantage
And take flight

Growing Weary

I’m growing weary
Of the ephemerality of stability.
It’s not fair–no nevermind;
Nothing is fair–it just plain
Old sucks

That I spends weeks, sometimes months
In an out-of-control manic state
Feeling God run through my veins
As my bank account gets wounded
And I unknowingly hurt myself
Over and over again,
Burning bridges like some
Kind of arsonist

Followed by weeks, maybe months
Of soul-crushing depression
And feeling that the world is just too much for me–
Or am I too much for it?

Then it eases
Oh so temporarily

Before the cycle repeats.